The primary issues: Past Perfect Tense, Comma Use, Wordiness
I've listed below an actual paragraph from a novel one of my clients is writing. I've changed the names of the characters to protect further the confidence of my client and his/her piece. I've placed the problem text in bold red font.
AUTHOR'S ORIGINAL
Yellow Flower Bloom was the first to look up from her cooking. Her man told her through Eagle they were coming back with hairy faced men and their women who were of the Peoples, but she did not expect to see what she did. So many walked her way! The horses they rode out with carried packs and one carried a smiling Blue Water Friend who held a baby in each arm.
EDITORIAL ALTERNATIVE
Yellow Flower Bloom was the first to look up from her cooking. Her man had told her—through Eagle—they were coming back with hairy-faced men and their women, who were of the Peoples, but she had not expected this. So many! The horses they'd ridden out with carried packs, and one carried a smiling Blue Water Friend, who held a baby in each arm.
ISSUE #1: IMPROPER TENSE
When writing of "the past within the past"—in other words, of an earlier action in a Past Tense narrative—always use the Past Perfect Tense.
ISSUE #2: DASHES TO OFFSET A PARENTHETIC ASIDE (ABRUPT, OR EMPHASIZED)
In this case of Native American spiritual beliefs, the fact that Yellow Flower Bloom learned this information through a Spirit Guide requires some emphasis, and dashes accomplish that well.
ISSUE #3: COMPOUND ADJECTIVE
I have discovered, in my editing pursuits, that most writers are lacking in their understanding of compound adjectives—or compound nouns and verbs, for that matter—which require hyphens. "Hairy-faced" is such a compound adjective.
ISSUE #4: COMMA REQUIRED
The phrase "who were of the Peoples" is a parenthetic, non-restrictive clause, and thus requires commas both before and after.
ISSUE #5: IMPROPER TENSE
Once again, the Past Perfect Tense is required: "had not expected" versus "did not expect."
ISSUE #6: WORDINESS
That segment can use a lot of tightening. Compare my alternative to the original. Did I lose anything? Any impact? Any clarity? No, and I eliminated 7 words from that 10-word segment. Remember this high commandment of effective writing: Make every word count.
ISSUE #5: IMPROPER TENSE
Once again, the Past Perfect Tense is required: "they'd ridden" versus "they rode."
ISSUE #8: COMMA REQUIRED
The first comma in that sentence, after "packs," is required to separate the Independent Clause. The second comma, after "Blue Water Friend," is required to separate the Non-Restrictive Clause.
'Til next time, and as always, remember:
To write well, you must work hard. To succeed in this tough gig, you mustn't be lazy.
Monday, June 7, 2010
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I'm not trying to steal your thunder here, Dave, but perhaps this will give an insight as to the back and forth that occurs between yourself and your clients.
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Another alternative that removes the state-of-being verbs, cuts out the repetition of “carried”, enhances some of the verb usage, and combined “had not” into “hadn’t.” I also removed the exclamation point because, to me, it didn’t warrant such intense expression.
In the first sentence, if the author’s intent is to imply that others looked up after her, perhaps add an independent clause such as “…cooking, followed by the others.” But then, the author must also ask him/herself if it’s a necessary implication. I guessed probably not, and thus left it as a single clause.
“were of the Peoples” seems awkward to me. I’d be worried if it is a common staple in the piece, and if it is, then what other alternatives are available? Perhaps it’s required to be historically correct, but if not, I’d search for other options.
I’m also curious what types of packs the horses carried? Are they the packs of her people who left? Are they the packs of the people they return with? Add a touch of detail in there to define what they look like, and perhaps define the people they are associated with as well. If they are the Native American’s, are they rough deerskin, or perhaps Englishmen with finely cured cowhide and metal buckles? This type of detail not only brings the sentence to life, but the people as well.
Just some observations :).
Round two alternative:
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Yellow River Bloom looked up from her cooking. Her man had told her—through Eagle—that they returned with hairy-faced men and their women, who were of the Peoples, but she hadn’t expected this… not so many. The horses they’d ridden out with carried the newcomer’s packs, and one bore a smiling Blue Water Friend, who snuggled/clutched a baby in each arm.
Dan, all of what you ask for is contained in preceding/adjoining segments. Remember: This is only one paragraph culled from a full novel. However, I do appreciate your sharing with readers the "back-and-forth" process in which we engage as author and editor, and your enthusiasm for that process. It's a big part of the reason you'll be a success at this gig we call writing.
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